My God has come
to ask a favor
Return some peace
I give it
What is not for me
is not mine
A crumbling heart
gathers
A sliver of light
vanishes
(c) Rochelle Potkar
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A world is built with each brick. All consuming and ever so fleeting, like brimstone.
7 comments:
My comment:
• It is an inspirational fallout from Tagore’s works
• It is near to perfect, succinct and profound also different because it is we who ask for peace or a favor from God
Suggestion: stay over time
other comments:
Hallelujah
Cheers brimstone
Mukesh
I give it
What is not for me
is not mine
I keep revisiting these lines. Beautiful.
-Seekersought
like seekersought, i loved the what is not for me is not mine bit. deeply profound, so who's the crouching heart and who's the sliver of light
-the wolf
brimstone,
lovely structure. very fine feeling to this poem. (breaks my heart, though.)
'gathers' - do you mean as in an animal gathering itself before a leap? if so, that is already contained in crouching, so gathers is redundant in its sense. if that is not what you mean, the sense is bringing something close to itself, which is positive, not loss-associated. the use of gathers had me puzzled.
vanishes = leaving, which implies something is left behind - there is an observer, in other words. if you specify anything about what is being left behind or the observer, it creates a rhythm awkwardness. can you try a less-objectified way of leaving, a leaving that can happen without an observer?
A sliver of light
fades ??
best always, h
Short & Sweet,
Simple yet a good Sample!!!
Can u add more 2 make it Big, coz Ye Dil Mange More
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